Friday, January 23, 2015

I've finally been brutally honest with myself about this whole relationship thing.

     I hadn't made beef stew, one of the standard dishes in my repertoire, in over two years because every time I talked about making it, he insisted on making it instead.  Then he would proceed to use techniques and ingredients which he knew I didn't like, and tell me I was hurtful when I said that I didn't like those things.

     Now that he is gone, we can use the heat drying feature in the dishwasher.  Which he insisted that we not use, though he rarely did any dishes.

     He used the fact that I wasn't close to my family, because my family is mostly toxic, as a weapon against me more than once.

     I blogged about the "any reasonable person" phenomenon, but I didn't really go into the depths of it.  Any time he was feeling attacked, if I told him that I didn't attack him, he insisted that I did.  He wanted me to apologize for things I didn't do, and when I refused to apologize for things I didn't do, he would use that of further evidence of how hurtful I was.  He would not accept my intentions as I stated them, and insisted that I meant things I didn't.

     When I made new friends, he wanted to know if there was any romance involved, which was reasonable.  What wasn't reasonable was insisting later that I'd said there was romance when there wasn't and I had stated that there wasn't. 

     Part of the reason I took the job at the park in the first place was because I knew I'd need to have a better career and make more money because he never would.  I accepted that future, and felt confident that he'd contribute to a household in other ways.  While I was working to better my future and by extension his, he complained about how I wasn't as available, and wasn't around to do things like make sure he woke up every morning.

     One time, I used the word "snarky" and he pulled up a dictionary definition to prove to me that I was intentionally being mean, as opposed to accepting my explanation that common usage of the word does not match the dictionary definition he used, which I had never heard before.

     He has been to my home multiple times since he left, at times which have been convenient for him.  I couldn't do the same thing to him, even if I wanted to, because I don't know where he lives.  Other than that he lives in a town he didn't care about until I said I wanted to live there someday.  Now if I decide to go through with the plan I'd explicitly stated multiple times to him, I have to do so with the knowledge that I might run into him around town.

     After he left, he had the audacity to claim that I had abused him. 

     He linked me an article as evidence which did not reflect my actions during our relationship at all, and was much more reflective of his actions.  There was even a section in the article about how abusive people often claim abuse because they feel scared and like they've lost control, which fit his actions perfectly.  When I stopped allowing him to control me, he saw that as me trying to control him.

     He learned the term "gaslighting" and claimed that I had done it to him in part because I maintained the position that he should seek therapy to become an empowered individual.  Another part was that I would call him out on it when he would say one thing and then deny saying it, even though there were witnesses to this multiple times.

     He is a deeply ill person, and he needs help.  And I allowed him control for too long, and I'm dealing with repercussions and fears that I wasn't expecting, and I probably need help too.

     He is friends on Facebook with several of my friends, some of whom he's never met in person, and some of whom he's met once.  He consistently responds to their posts before I can say anything, so I don't.  I don't want to interact with him at all, even in an indirect fashion, but I'm also afraid to block him.  If I did, that would have consequences of its own. 

     He bullied me with his emotions, which I'd been through before, and thought I would never go through again.  But the way he did so (and exerted control over my life) was so insidious, so subtle, that I didn't recognize it.  As a matter of fact, it was the article he linked me while trying to convince me that I was abusive (and the fact that I didn't think I was as evidence of my abusive nature, and the fact that I was raised with abuse as a minimization of my own opinions of abuse) which finally got me to see things for what they had been. 

     A lot of people will probably think that what I'm saying is too private, and shouldn't be talked about in this semi-public manner.  But I'm not going to be ashamed for things someone else did, and I'm not going to pretend he didn't do those things.

     There is a part of me which is afraid that I will keep repeating these mistakes.  But I am also reasonably sure that if he had come into my life two years later than he did, I would not have accepted any of this.

     .