Sunday, October 11, 2015

National Coming Out Day

I just posted this on my Facebook page, and I thought it was worthy of pasting here.  I've also got a few real blog posts rolling around in my head, and I'll get around to them eventually.


It's National Coming Out Day.
To everyone who can't be out, regardless of the subject of your closet, for whatever reason, I hope that your silence is not always necessary. I hope that we can create a world where it is safe to be you. To those of you who can be out, please do so. Your outness helps create that safer world for people who cannot be out now.

Lest I be a hypocrite, I'm going to tell my tale now. To my entire friend list. If you don't want to hear it, feel free to unfriend me before continuing further. My stories are for people who care about *me* and not just their own ideas of who I should be, and I'm tired of censoring myself.


I've never been entirely straight. My first crush was on a girl, so I never really had the option of pretending to myself that I was straight. I identified as bi for a bunch of years, and I was somewhat involved in queer community throughout my teen years. If you've met me in the past decade or so, though, you would likely have no idea, because it wasn't a thing I talked openly about much. And if you're family, well, I never really talked about any of this with anyone I'm related to.

In my mid-20s, I started to feel like I was an impostor. My long-term serious relationships had all been with men, and I hadn't felt Feelings for a woman in a while, so I stopped identifying as bi. I never entirely felt straight, either, though, so you'd probably hear me say things like "I'm basically straight." Or effectively straight, or whatever qualifying word felt right at the time... on the rare occasions my sexuality was even a topic. When people think you're straight, it usually isn't. I've also claimed to be a flaming heterosexual on occasion, but different people take that differently, so that was alright by me.

But I've never been entirely straight without qualifiers, and since I've recently found myself with a bit of a crush on a woman, that part of me will probably be louder again. And I'm not going to be ashamed of loving whomever I love. You can be happy for my happiness, or you can leave.


I'm also polyamorous, and feel like I was born with this inclination, though I officially adopted the label around six years ago. I love [Ptah], and we plan the future together (in case anyone wasn't clear on those things), but I will also date other people (again) when the stars align properly, and they might end up planning the future with me someday, too.

If you don't know anything about polyamory, and are curious, my favorite resource is this one - start with the FAQ page:

Again, I'm not going to be ashamed of loving whomever I love, and you can either be happy for my happiness, or get off my Facebook page.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

I love you like a horse loves to run,

 I love you like a horse loves to run,
     as though it were a function of my form.

...And that's all I remember from the poem I wrote in the shower a short time ago.

     It's been a while since I've written.  I've had a busy few months, but without any exciting stories to tell.  I still like my work, I enjoy my home, and I think my Skellycat enjoys having me to herself much of the time.  I have a new coworker, who I like, and I'm starting to feel more comfortable leading at work.  I am slightly frustrated at the social isolation that comes with living in my idyllic location, but I also feel like I'm probably too tired to socialize half the time, anyway. 

     Have a few pictures!

There was an eclipse, and I managed to get a few pictures.
My home is technically in this picture.
She's such a pretty kitty.  And not impressed with my shenanigans.
A sunset, obviously.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Post 87: The State of Things as They Are

     My personal winter has passed, and my life is about to get a lot more busy.

     I go back to work in less than a week, and I move to a new apartment closer to my work.  I'll be living alone for the first time in a decade, and I'm definitely looking forward to it in some ways.  I think the time to myself will be good for me, especially after the things I've dealt with over the last few years.  I've been asked to return to the park where I worked last year, except I'll be going back with a promotion and a raise.  These are good things, indeed.

     I've actively wanted to date for the past few months, rather than my usual passive openness to the possibility, and that hasn't really come to fruition, but it's also not like I've been trying very hard.  In the next handful of days, I will have several social interactions, and it will be interesting to see how some of those pan out. I know that I've limited myself to a small pool of potential partners, what with being not only poly, but a particular kind of poly which is relatively rare.  I'm not into relationships which don't have the potential of being serious, and I live in a somewhat isolated area.  Basically, it isn't easy.

     I've had plenty of time to go over the lessons I've learned, as far as what I want currently from relationships.  I still agree with everything I wrote in Post 63, but I feel that it would be good for me to write an update, or at least an addendum, which covers more of my recent thoughts on relationships.  I hope to do so relatively soon.  I will have internet at my new apartment, and I should have plenty of free time, so it shouldn't be terribly difficult. 

     Meanwhile, onward to the future we go. 

Friday, January 23, 2015

I've finally been brutally honest with myself about this whole relationship thing.

     I hadn't made beef stew, one of the standard dishes in my repertoire, in over two years because every time I talked about making it, he insisted on making it instead.  Then he would proceed to use techniques and ingredients which he knew I didn't like, and tell me I was hurtful when I said that I didn't like those things.

     Now that he is gone, we can use the heat drying feature in the dishwasher.  Which he insisted that we not use, though he rarely did any dishes.

     He used the fact that I wasn't close to my family, because my family is mostly toxic, as a weapon against me more than once.

     I blogged about the "any reasonable person" phenomenon, but I didn't really go into the depths of it.  Any time he was feeling attacked, if I told him that I didn't attack him, he insisted that I did.  He wanted me to apologize for things I didn't do, and when I refused to apologize for things I didn't do, he would use that of further evidence of how hurtful I was.  He would not accept my intentions as I stated them, and insisted that I meant things I didn't.

     When I made new friends, he wanted to know if there was any romance involved, which was reasonable.  What wasn't reasonable was insisting later that I'd said there was romance when there wasn't and I had stated that there wasn't. 

     Part of the reason I took the job at the park in the first place was because I knew I'd need to have a better career and make more money because he never would.  I accepted that future, and felt confident that he'd contribute to a household in other ways.  While I was working to better my future and by extension his, he complained about how I wasn't as available, and wasn't around to do things like make sure he woke up every morning.

     One time, I used the word "snarky" and he pulled up a dictionary definition to prove to me that I was intentionally being mean, as opposed to accepting my explanation that common usage of the word does not match the dictionary definition he used, which I had never heard before.

     He has been to my home multiple times since he left, at times which have been convenient for him.  I couldn't do the same thing to him, even if I wanted to, because I don't know where he lives.  Other than that he lives in a town he didn't care about until I said I wanted to live there someday.  Now if I decide to go through with the plan I'd explicitly stated multiple times to him, I have to do so with the knowledge that I might run into him around town.

     After he left, he had the audacity to claim that I had abused him. 

     He linked me an article as evidence which did not reflect my actions during our relationship at all, and was much more reflective of his actions.  There was even a section in the article about how abusive people often claim abuse because they feel scared and like they've lost control, which fit his actions perfectly.  When I stopped allowing him to control me, he saw that as me trying to control him.

     He learned the term "gaslighting" and claimed that I had done it to him in part because I maintained the position that he should seek therapy to become an empowered individual.  Another part was that I would call him out on it when he would say one thing and then deny saying it, even though there were witnesses to this multiple times.

     He is a deeply ill person, and he needs help.  And I allowed him control for too long, and I'm dealing with repercussions and fears that I wasn't expecting, and I probably need help too.

     He is friends on Facebook with several of my friends, some of whom he's never met in person, and some of whom he's met once.  He consistently responds to their posts before I can say anything, so I don't.  I don't want to interact with him at all, even in an indirect fashion, but I'm also afraid to block him.  If I did, that would have consequences of its own. 

     He bullied me with his emotions, which I'd been through before, and thought I would never go through again.  But the way he did so (and exerted control over my life) was so insidious, so subtle, that I didn't recognize it.  As a matter of fact, it was the article he linked me while trying to convince me that I was abusive (and the fact that I didn't think I was as evidence of my abusive nature, and the fact that I was raised with abuse as a minimization of my own opinions of abuse) which finally got me to see things for what they had been. 

     A lot of people will probably think that what I'm saying is too private, and shouldn't be talked about in this semi-public manner.  But I'm not going to be ashamed for things someone else did, and I'm not going to pretend he didn't do those things.

     There is a part of me which is afraid that I will keep repeating these mistakes.  But I am also reasonably sure that if he had come into my life two years later than he did, I would not have accepted any of this.