Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Right Now...

I am tired.

I have stayed up too late, and I am as sleepy as I was tired of driving today. Four hours in one stretch (though stretch is a misnomer here), without leaving the car.

I am tired of the idea that mythological evil monarchs and ghosts out for revenge must be female. I am tired of a culture that has prevented me from noticing this before today.

I am tired of that jar of pasta sauce I told you not to buy. I told you I didn't like it, and I wouldn't eat it, and you assured me that you would use it when I wasn't around. But you didn't, and I'm tired of reality being misrepresented to me, and you left but that fucking jar of sauce remains.

I am tired of this body I loathe because I often pretend that it is where my value lies. I am tired of that feeling, and I am tired of my own hypocrisy because I do not place a value on other people that way. And I am tired of that feeling when one of the things I want most is for society to see other things before physical beauty anyway.

I am tired of cleaning up cat vomit, and the worry that comes with having a twelve-year-old cat who keeps vomiting. Even though I know it's her habit of eating dry food and drinking too much water, which she demands I give to her from a running faucet. And I am tired of giving in, even though I know better.

I am tired of thinking about all of the things you did. I'm tired of being annoyed at you, at being disappointed in how you decided to be, and I'm tired of thinking of you at all.

I'm tired of expressing my exhaustion with the world, when I should be asleep.

Right now, I am tired.

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