Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Right Now...

I am tired.

I have stayed up too late, and I am as sleepy as I was tired of driving today. Four hours in one stretch (though stretch is a misnomer here), without leaving the car.

I am tired of the idea that mythological evil monarchs and ghosts out for revenge must be female. I am tired of a culture that has prevented me from noticing this before today.

I am tired of that jar of pasta sauce I told you not to buy. I told you I didn't like it, and I wouldn't eat it, and you assured me that you would use it when I wasn't around. But you didn't, and I'm tired of reality being misrepresented to me, and you left but that fucking jar of sauce remains.

I am tired of this body I loathe because I often pretend that it is where my value lies. I am tired of that feeling, and I am tired of my own hypocrisy because I do not place a value on other people that way. And I am tired of that feeling when one of the things I want most is for society to see other things before physical beauty anyway.

I am tired of cleaning up cat vomit, and the worry that comes with having a twelve-year-old cat who keeps vomiting. Even though I know it's her habit of eating dry food and drinking too much water, which she demands I give to her from a running faucet. And I am tired of giving in, even though I know better.

I am tired of thinking about all of the things you did. I'm tired of being annoyed at you, at being disappointed in how you decided to be, and I'm tired of thinking of you at all.

I'm tired of expressing my exhaustion with the world, when I should be asleep.

Right now, I am tired.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Construction and Deconstruction

     I was building a building for a while.  One of the other parks in my park system was getting a new office built, and I got to help frame it.  It was very cool, and I got to learn lots of things which will help me in the future.  I also got to spend time with a couple of my former coworkers and the other Park Manager... and she's basically who I'm going to be in twenty years, so that was fun.  This week, we found out that the project had run out of budget, so there's no more work this year. 

     During the summer, I was under the impression that there wouldn't be any upward mobility at my park.  It turns out that Assistant Manager is most likely not coming back, and so the position will be vacant.  But I've also already kind of committed to applying for that position at another park... so I guess I'm probably going to apply for both, and see what happens.  Regardless, there will be benefits and challenges, as always, and I still have a couple of months to dwell on it.  But one way or another, I'll have a County Parks job next year.

     I've constructed a solid friendship with one of my coworkers, much to my simultaneous delight and frustration.  I don't trust myself to accurately represent the situation with words, but suffice to say that I both enjoy our friendship and think he smells really good.

     Oh, right, and I recently turned 34. 

     The past year has been a pretty amazing one for me.  For my 33rd birthday, I went to a place I'd never been to before.  Then I:

  • Decided to see what kinds of job opportunities were available
  • Realized that I actually had the experience to do a job I'd always wanted to do
  • Applied to a job in a place I'd never been to
  • Interviewed and landed said job
  • Found a place to stay in that location
  • Spent copious amounts of time alone for the first time in years
  • Was forced to finally see many good things about myself
  • Started realizing how strong I really am
  • Was happier than I've ever been
     I also learned a lot more about what I do and don't want in my life, made good friends, and exercised valuable skills.  I found simultaneously more adventure and more security than I've ever had, and met my personal poly hero.  The breakup with Horus wasn't exactly a happy thing, but it ended up being the healthiest thing... After learning that he has some pretty inaccurate ideas about how things were between us, we aren't going to be friends as I'd hoped.  Frankly, when someone starts making outlandish statements that make one wonder whether they're seriously that delusional, or if they're merely trying to mess with one's head, it's hard to have any regrets about the end.

     Regrets about the middle, and even some that go back to the beginning? Definitely.  I wonder what caused me to allow so much that I would never allow if it started now.  (I mean, I actually know.  It mostly goes back to patterns learned in childhood.  But why I didn't even see it is another thing entirely.)  I never misrepresented myself, even down to having a line about not being a good match for highly emotionally sensitive people in my OKCupid profile, but the majority of our relationship included the falling away of facades Horus could no longer maintain.  I grew in positive ways, and that was a threat.  I became a more powerful, independent me, and that was treated as a subversion of his personal power.  I stopped letting him control me, and that was seen as trying to control him. 

     I wish him well, always, but he is a deeply unhealthy person who is really good at slapping bandages on crippling wounds.  And I certainly don't need that in my life.  Not when a person doesn't actually want to get better and instead passes blame.

     I probably needed this experience in some ways, though.  Every challenging moment, every difficult past, has been leading me to a much better future.  And I have a much clearer idea of the kinds of people I need in my life.

     I'm also not sure whether I actually want to seek a "forever" with anyone.  I've never really made that promise to anyone, because I think there should *always* be reasons people would be willing to end a relationship.  But there is a difference in intentionally stating that I am not seeking a forever.  I want to have experiences where we learn and grow in exciting ways.  I want to be with people who would be able to be happy for me if an amazing opportunity took me away from them.  I want to be with people who enjoy who I am, rather than an attachment to me.  I want to be with other people who renew their choices all of the time...  I want to be with people who hear me, and not their assumptions or ideas of who I should be.  I want to be with people who embrace my me-ness, even when that means it takes me away from them. 

     Ptah gives me those things, so I know it's possible.