Saturday, October 25, 2014

A New Chapter.

     So Horus broke up with me.  There was a process, of course, and we'd talked about living separately for a while to reset some of our unhealthy behaviors toward each other.  But in the end, it was completely an immediate emotional decision, and unilaterally his.

     It's funny, I managed to live and have relationships up until the past year which ended sometimes by my decision, but almost always by mutual decision.  And now it's been solely someone else's decision twice, approximately a year apart.  I'm sure there was a lesson I needed to learn, and I hope I've learned it.  It doesn't matter how much benefit I can see from the end of a relationship, it doesn't matter how dumb I think the reason is, there is still some hurt.  And in my case, it's sometimes assumed by the reasonable things I'm capable of saying that there isn't any hurt. 

     Honestly, I think the assumption that I wouldn't have feelings about it probably hurts more than the actual breakup.

     Anyway, he has most of his things from the apartment now.  I'm hoping that we can have an actual friendship at some point, but I had to be gone today while he was here.  It's just a little too difficult at the moment.

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     In other news, I have been approved for unemployment.  So I won't have to worry about paying my bills and feeding my cats all winter.  And, Ptah landed a full-time position at his work.  So we're both doing better in a lot of ways than we have been in a long time.

     One of the benefits of currently being without romantic partners is that it will be easier for me to aim for the kind of radical relationships I believe in going forward.  But although I've had the urge to date for a while, it doesn't seem terribly wise to pursue that option fresh on the heels of a breakup.  Even though I have the situation reasonably handled, there may be challenging feelings I haven't gotten around to yet.  And I know how most people perceive dating shortly after a breakup.  It's a little different with poly people, but still...

     Anyway, there has been a lot of change in my life lately, but it's mostly been good.  And I'm really coming to like the me that I've been forging.  To the future we go.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Falling Into Stasis.

     I'm done with work for the season, I'm looking for fall and winter work, and I've filed for unemployment.  I truly loved my work, and I plan to return next year, but for now, I need to find something else to do.  I don't like not working!

     In addition to all of the obvious benefits of the job at the park, like learning new skills, doing something I found fulfilling and enjoyable, and earning more than I'd ever earned before, there have been several ancillary benefits:

-I've never worked enough hours to claim unemployment during the slow months before.  That bit of security is a *huge* deal. 
-I've never had three coworkers to use for professional references before, and now I do.
-I feel more confident in my capabilities.
-I made friends at my job.
-I learned that I *can* actually handle interacting with the public, at least when we have a shared love of public spaces.
-I learned to be alone again.

     All in all, the past several months have been a transformative experience for me.  I'm well aware that next year will not be the same, but I still look forward to going back.  And in the meantime, I look forward to utilizing my free time... if only I can get myself moving again.