Monday, November 11, 2013

Not-So-Random Thoughts from Recent Events.

-"Well, my primary relationship is still intact, so I'm good at being poly." is neither an accurate or kind sentiment. 

-Especially if you're ignoring or pretending to be okay with stuff your primary partner is doing to try to hold onto that relationship.

-Getting confirmation from people who clearly don't care about how their actions and circumstances affect their partners, and using that to show one of your side partners that disregarding them is totally okay... is not okay.

-Breaking up with someone, but stringing them along, then using their unhappiness with the situation as an excuse for why you disregard them doesn't actually make you right.  Or a decent person.

-I'm certainly never going to be involved with people who only allow their primary partners to have feelings again.

-In fact, I still think hierarchical relationships are bullshit.  I didn't get into poly to act like a mono person, and I certainly am not aiming to have relationships "in addition to..." so that I can excuse disregarding people's feelings.  I do this to have relationships which are whole unto themselves. 

-I hadn't had a relationship end as a unilateral decision since, like, high school.  Yes, I realize this is weird, but all of my adult relationships ended with either a mutual decision, or finally admitting what had been obvious for a long time. 

-No, I don't think this makes me somehow inferior at relationships, or ending them. 

-It does mean that I am inexperienced in unwanted breakups, though.  I haven't built up callouses to rejection.  And I have a feeling that people who expect that I should, don't really get it either.

-It's cool, though.  I've really come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't want to be with someone who broke up with me for bullshit reasons, anyway.  I never wanted the relationship back, I just wanted some acknowledgement that jerky behavior was jerky behavior.

-I'm not sure I'd want to get involved with someone relatively inexperienced in polyamory again.  It would have to be a convincing situation.

-One of the really fun things about polyamory is that when you decide to break up with a person in a jerky way, you also break your friendships with your former metamours.  So they get do deal with that, in addition to helping their partner deal with their emotional stuff.

-This is one reason it's good to have awesome partners.

-Awesome partners don't give up so easily.

Friday, November 8, 2013

OKCupid Chronicles: II

     So I have a fair amount of text in my profile.  I try to give people a good idea of who I am, and though I feel like I might be too wordy, I constantly think of things that I feel I should include, so it remains wordy.  Lately, I've struck up a few new conversations, and that's been good.  I was talking to someone particular for a while, and we met in person, and it was good, but I'm not seeing any sparks.  Of course, I usually have to have spark initiated, because of all my buckets of self-doubt, but... *shrug*

     One of the bits of text I have in my profile is this:
"I am sometimes accused of being a robot, and if you have a hard time hearing someone say that people are systems with known and often predictable responses, you will probably find me not sensitive enough. I am not emotionless, though, and deeply care about people on a theoretical, as well as individual, level." And that is what the writer below was responding to.

Dude: You can't say you care about someone deeply then say its on a theoretical level. Its jaded people like you who give polyamory its bad reputation.


Me: Wow. I'm so not jaded... Do you even know what that word means? I care about humans. People I've never met, and never will. People of whose existence I will never even be aware. I care about humanity. Hence, I care about people on a theoretical level.

Dude: (No response.)

     So, yeah, I think my response to Dude sums up my feelings about that part pretty well.  But I find it pretty amazing that, not only did this guy take the time to read my profile, but also to send me a petty message.  This is so clearly one of those things that says more about the other person than it does me.  And if I had received a response, I likely would have continued conversation... this is a wounded person.