Saturday, August 24, 2013

The Wall.

     Most people have a series of emotional walls.  Those walls surround certain feelings, certain activities, and certain vulnerabilities.  This is perfectly normal; nearly a requirement of being human and interacting with other humans.  And through the course of time, we learn how to lower those walls, one by one, for certain people and situations.  It's widely considered the paragon of a healthy relationship when we can lower all of our walls for one person.

     Like I said, this is for most people, though.

     I have one wall.  People outside the wall do not get to know me, and the people on the inside do.  I can be just as brave and vulnerable and open with the platonic friends inside the wall as I can with the romantic partners.  For me, how close to people I get is not a function of the relationship definition, but one of how safe I feel being myself with them.  I connect with people.  I connect with them deeply and thoroughly... when I allow it to happen.

     My one wall is four-feet thick, made of titanium.  There are no bricks to pull out, nothing to chip away.  I have a perfectly constructed pulley system, which allows me to drop it whenever I choose.  But I have to choose to do so.  When I drop my wall, you'll find an inviting path on the other side.  There are stepping stones, and mossy things underfoot.  You'll wonder to yourself how I kept such a garden on the other side of the wall.  There may occasionally be a patch of quicksand, or a pool of acid, sure, but you can avoid them if you know where to look.  As we walk, I'll even point most of them out to you, though I may have forgotten where a few of them are.

     I want to invite people through my wall.  I do not want to be closed off, I want you to know me.  This is not to say it will always be easy.  And sure, there are a few hurdles seemingly placed at random in my world.  I am not always the person I wish to be.  But I try, I try damned hard.

     When I met Horus, we talked a lot, and deeply first.  We sent thousands of words back and forth, and talked about sensitive and intimate subjects.  In person, we spent some time alone, as well as time with the other people in the house.  Still, at the end of the night, I could not tell him whether I was interested in pursuing a relationship.  The question, though, prompted standing around and talking for an additional two hours... after which I still didn't have an answer.  Later, though, as I was trying to fall asleep, I started letting my wall down, and I knew what I wanted.  From that decision forward, I had no issues with being vulnerable, emotional, desirous, and connecting with him on as many levels as possible.

     I'm going through a vaguely similar situation, and I'm having an even harder time figuring out how I feel about it.  Picturing my emotional wall, though, as a physical object, as well as thinking about the beginning of my relationship with Horus, really has been helping me feel more balanced.

     In the end, though, I know that I will end up feeling however I end up feeling.  And I can proceed accordingly from there.  That's all any of us can do, really, some of us just recognize (and overthink) it more than others.