Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Kink. (Community)

     After getting back into a blogging-type headspace, performing my monthly-ish login at Fetlife, and actually stumbling on a few things that interested me there for once, I have a few things on my mind.

     It's pretty common for me to delve more into sexual or other intimate topics when I'm feeling antsy.  When my needs aren't really being fulfilled.  And, as the reader might have already inferred, that time would be now.  It's not really anyone's fault.  I've expressed many of the needs I've had over the past few months, but no one equipped to handle them has really been around.  I'm kind of persnickety (and abnormal amongst the freaks) when it comes to things like kink.

     There are many reasons I've stayed away from the kink community as a whole.  I started typing the reasons in a sentence, but I think a list might work better here.  Before I start ranting, I suppose I should say that I know not everyone in the kink community is like this... but if you honestly don't see any of the stuff I'm bitching about, you're probably one of the reasons I don't like the kink community to begin with.

  • The aggressive acceptance of issues which would better be solved with a psychologist than a razorblade.  I know "the community" wants us all to accept that every kink is special, healthy, and no one should ever judge what someone else is into.  Bullshit.  There are many people who engage in acts which are dangerous to their health because they have emotional issues hidden under the cloak of kink.  Not every kink is healthy.

  • The above attitude also tends to promote the lax acceptance of that danger.  If you're going to get your blood on someone, then fine.  But make damned sure your blood won't harm anyone.  The risk inherent in blood contact is often handwaved because they seem like nice people, and everyone's kink is so important we wouldn't want to risk not engaging in it. 

  • The hypocrisy.  So much talk about acceptance, and yet hardly any acceptance of submission in males, or dominance in females (at least without the "bitchprincess" image).  The same people who yammer all day long about how "No, really, when that lady over there is submissive, she's really letting her inner strength come out.  Can't you see how strong she is when I get to tell her what to do?" will then talk about how weak and unhealthy male submissives are.  Even Horus, whose opinions I generally respect in such matters, said that he didn't think male submission was as healthy by nature.  Never mind the culture (even mainstream culture) which highly values female submission while degrading male submission.  Never mind that male submissives are given few to no positive role models, but plenty of reasons to self-hate by society.

  • The general attitude of most people who claim to be dominant, which is one of looking down on others, rather than being someone worth looking up to.

  • The adherence to rigid roles.  Some people like that, but it doesn't work for me.  I am situationally switchable.  Ideally, I'd have a partner who was also capable of being so flexible, but I don't know if I've ever met anyone who was, let alone been interested in/compatible with them.  Within the kink community, it's generally okay to take on one role with one partner, and another role with another partner, or to only take on different roles in certain "scenes," but generally not okay to be inherently flexible from moment to moment.

  • The refusal to accept the reality of acting out fantasy.  There are those of us who might like to engage in certain activities, but can't because of bad knees, or eczema, or the fact that branding was actually a coping mechanism in a very unhealthy emotional time, so it's not actually healthy to engage in that particular act... Not that I know anything about that.  Anyway, those staged shots of girls all bound up (bondage which might have only lasted a few minutes to take the picture, but seemingly lasts forever, due to the nature of photography), set those of us with problems up for a lot of conversations which disappoint other people.  Gee, I'm super sorry that my real life has limitations that your fantasy does not.  I see way too many people essentially whine about that, but they're not generally the kind of people I'd want to interact with anyway.
     Even though I've never been a part of the community, kink has long been a part of me.  In the early nineties, when leather culture was first finding its way into the mainstream consciousness, and most people knew what a dominatrix was, I was twelve or thirteen.  I stumbled onto the radio show that Dan Savage used to have, called Savage Love Live.  I learned so much about the spectrum of human sexuality from that show, but the thing that stuck most with me was the idea that in a dominant/submissive relationship, the submissive is the one allowing the situation.  The dominant does only what the submissive allows.  And so, in reality, to say that the dominant person is in control is not entirely accurate at best. 

     That idea is incompatible with the way many people in the community think and act, but I carried it with me throughout the years, and through several relationships which included kink in one way or another.  I've always seen serenity in both sides of the power equation.  I never thought of it as being kinky, just as being me.  Other than knowing that I didn't want to hang out with the BDSM crowd, because I didn't fit in and probably wasn't into it enough to be a part of things, I didn't really have to articulate most of these ideas until Horus came along.  With his assumptions that I was pretty vanilla because I wasn't a part of it, and with his insistence on labels having meaning and import, I finally had to find words for so many of my thoughts on kink.  Because it *is* a very important part of who I am and how I have relationships, even if forming friendships based solely on what I like to do with my partner seems just as ridiculous as choosing my friends on how much and what kind of ice cream we like.

     I did find some more words for concepts that have been on my mind tonight.  I'm not going to get down to what is lacking in my life right now, not on my blog anyway.  Someday I might be comfortable giving out such intensely personal information, but not now.  Suffice to say that real life and real people are seldom suited to the acquisition of perfect situations.  But I'm not whining about it, I swear.  Sometimes I definitely do wish I could talk to someone about these things.  Someone who had similar views, which would mean that we probably had a lot more in common than kink, and would probably also mean that I wouldn't meet them in the community. 

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