Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Post 50!: A Poem I Wrote At Work.

Some ladies are classy, in suits and/or gowns,
This lady is grassy, not suited for town.
Some ladies are flirty, the men will adore,
This lady is dirty, that's not metaphor.
Some ladies are chic, hair perfectly done,
This lady is thick, and brown from the sun.

But when change does the world, and if there's a dearth,
It will be dirty girls, who inherit the earth.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Dissolution Discussion.

     So I received my divorce paperwork the other day.  I'm pretty sure that Thoth's girlfriend (you know, the one he tried to hide from me) actually filled everything out for him, as I know it's not his handwriting, and it was definitely not done by a professional.  The return address on the envelope was also "[Thoth] c/o [Thoth's girlfriend]" so I think it's safe to say that either he lives with her, or they decided to have the paperwork sent back to her residence for some reason or another.  Considering the further information that he did not collect any dishes, or most of his furniture and decorative items, I'm going to assume that he moved in with her.  After knowing each other for a couple months.  That's going to work out well, I'm sure.

     My skepticism has less to do with the amount of time, though, and more to do with the fact that I know he's already lying to her.  The divorce paperwork makes no mention of debts, in fact states (in her handwriting) that there are no debts... and he has several thousand dollars of them from before we were married.  I have to somehow find out whether I could possibly be held accountable for those debts before I return the paperwork.  If I could be, then there is no way I am agreeing to terms which do not state that those debts are his and his alone. 

     I obviously feel a moral quandary here.  If I believe that he is lying to her (and I know from direct experience that he believes lying is justified if it makes life easier for him), and she has no way of knowing that he is lying to her about those debts until they become financially intertwined, and I have an avenue for sharing that information so that she could make a fully informed decision... well, there's a part of me that feels I should.  Of course, all it would really do would be to turn me into The Incredible Bitch in their eyes, so I suppose I will leave it alone.  Unless, of course, it is a choice between my possible liability and the truth.

     The paperwork was most likely supposed to give me sad feelings.  Between the address and feminine-but-not-professional handwriting, the opinion of a couple other people when I gave those details, and my own thoughts, I believe the paperwork is intended as a jab in my direction, but also a possessive claim by said girlfriend.  As though I regret anything in regards to the end of this relationship.

     I've mentioned before that I did/do appreciate things that this relationship gave to me.  The autonomy I had to find my own paths and develop my own self, the discovery and exploration of polyamory, some of the friends I still have... and those are big things.  The benefits I gained are in no way cancelled by the more challenging or outright bad aspects of that relationship.  I still appreciate them.  And I hope that Thoth will retain some of the good things he gained.  But I do have regrets.

     There was deception on his part from the beginning of our relationship, and signs of some of the other things which ultimately drove me to call an end to it.  I wish I had listened to myself more, had more confidence in myself, and been more realistic about what those things meant.  I wish I had had a clearer idea of what construed a dealbreaker for me, and known that I was valuable enough to not have to accept those things.  I was lied to about many things, large and small.  I was attacked by him any time anyone else had a problem with me; we were not on the same team much of the time.  I was very rarely told that I was loved, or appreciated, or even shown without words.  Every time I made it clear that I had a need, minimal effort was put in. 

     I tried so hard for most of those six years to be a good partner, and I encouraged his growth in so many ways.  He never really tried unless it was absolutely necessary to keep me around.  I fulfilled his needs, and mine were ignored. 

     It's enough to give a person pause when reflecting on a (nearly) six-year relationship.  Was there ever any actual love on his part? Or did I just fulfill the need for a maid and a warm body? I cleaned up his house, literally, and financially.  When we met, he was living in a house he couldn't afford, living on credit cards and fast food, with trash and clutter everywhere, and I helped him change all of that.  I know he is better off than he was when we met.  He might have less stuff, but he couldn't have sustained that life anyway... his credit cards were all maxed out a few months after we started spending time together.

     So do I have regrets? Yes.  I regret that I did not value myself more.  I regret that I did not demand to be valued by my partner.  I honestly hope that this new person in his life will bring new good things to him, and he to her.  I hope that he will grow in the ways he couldn't with me, and live a happy, fulfilling life.  I hope that he comes to recognize how terribly wrong he was in his treatment of our relationship, and learns from that, too.  I wish him well, really.

     But I'm glad it's almost over for good.

     Will I ever get married again? Maybe... well, probably, as long as our society rewards us for signing those papers.  I could mainly see doing it for health insurance, or other security-based reasons.  But also, I do like being married, and I am sort of an optimist in that regard.  I should probably know better by now.


Monday, July 2, 2012

I Want...

I want time.
Time enough to take care of the things that need to be done,
Time enough to do the things I wish to do.
Time to care for my partners as they deserve,
Time to finally grieve for the end of the relationship I no longer have.
Time to shave my legs and make gallons of iced tea.
Time to deshed the cats and put art on the walls of my room.
Time to reconnect with Ptah.
Time to really rest.

I want affection.
Affection unmitigated by the moods I've been in lately,
Affection free to be enjoyed.
Affection that does not cause guilt because I'm not fit to return it properly,
Affection which only gives good things.
Affection of the physical sort, and the emotional.
Affection from partners and from friends.
Affection for others.
Affection for myself.

I want security.
Security in my needs being met, basic and otherwise,
Security in my relationships.
Security in the knowledge that the car will keep running,
Security that there will still be work.
Security in my bank account and in the future.
Security in my ability to handle things and even prosper.
Security in my ability to do the right thing.
Security in myself.