Thursday, June 7, 2012

These Batteries Must Be In The Wrong Way.

     I've been having a difficult time feeling positive lately.  I've been physically drained because of work, going through the emotional process of recognizing just how much I did not know Thoth and how little everything meant to him, feeling guilty that my relationship with Ptah has been set on the back burner while I deal with everything else, and fear that the joy I find in my relationship with Horus will feel too much like pressure and expectation.  I feel like I have no real purpose currently, no concrete goals, no forward movement.  I don't have the time and the energy concurrently to pursue my more fulfilling creative endeavors, or to spend the time exploring the world that I would like.  I can't afford to take road trips. 

     Blah blah blah, I don't have this, and I can't do that, I'm so pitiful, whiny whine whine.

     I knew something had to change when I found myself thinking that I should end one of my relationships, just because I was being and feeling difficult.  That's old thinking, from way back when I was a much less happy and healthy person.  I don't think like that anymore... or so I thought, anyway.  When people are in times of intense emotional distress, they tend to revert to old patterns, or to act based on their cognitive and emotional weaknesses, rather than their strengths.

     When people I am close to get like this, I have an exercise I use with them, to try to help them enter a more positive state of mind.  I basically just ask them to list positive things; either about their life in general, or about themselves.  If they are stuck in a dark place and can't do so, I ask them to look for positivity externally: with relationships or other people, possibly even environmental subjects.  Anyway, I suppose it's time to do this exercise with myself.  So, no qualifiers, no negative addenda, no minimizing of anything in the list is allowed.  Only the positive.

Positive things in my life:
     -I have a comfortable place to live, with a lovely yard and view.
     -I have enough to eat on a daily basis.
     -I have work which I find fulfilling and pays better than anything else I could expect to do with no experience.
     -My relationship with Ptah, which I know will be stable and secure now and in the future, even if the nature of it evolves with time. 
     -My relationship with Horus, which I know will leave me with much in the way of growth and knowledge of myself, even should it end.
     -I have cats who know when I'm feeling down, and stay close to me.  They provide a surprising amount of companionship, with very little in the way of demand.
     -We have a vehicle which functions.

Positive things about myself:
     -I nurture people.  I help them grow in a safe environment.
     -I endeavor to express my feelings for others.
     -I constantly work on being the person I want to be.
     -I am skilled at my work.
     -I accept that which most consider physical flaws, and in fact, find joy in exploring them.
     -I cook tasty food.
     -I often bring new sensual (relating to the senses) pleasures to people.
     -I am highly intelligent and practically creative.
     -I am empathic by nature, and have learned many other skills based on that.
     -I am good with colors; such as combining fabrics, smearing pastels, or painting.
     -I am good at eye contact.
     -I am honest and trustworthy.
     -I am generally a good companion for the right person.
     -I care deeply about humanity.
    
     I think that's a decent list to get my mental ball rolling.  Some other things I'm thinking about now include the qualities belonging to Ptah and Horus, The Plan (for the future, which I'll have to write about soon), my intangible goals... I think this did help a bit.
    

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