Thursday, May 31, 2012

Right Now...

I'm thinking one of those thoughts I never would have thought I would think.
I need my dominant.
I need steady, I need strength, I need to be told certain things. Later, I'll be able to ask for words, and that will have to do... But it won't be as fulfilling, or as helpful, as being held would be.
Not that I don't feel fortunate to get even just the words.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Skipping Milestones

     I haven't been writing much lately, obviously.  Part of that has been a lack of time and energy due to it being our busy season at work.  But also, as I like to say, I am a creature of inertia.  When I start writing a lot, it is easy for me to continue writing a lot.  But when I stall... it's hard to get going again.

     In short, though, the month has been full of milestones.

     Thoth has moved most of his things out.  He still has a bit of furniture, some decorative items, and four plastic totes to pick up.  He requested last week that Ptah and I pack the rest of the stuff into the basement for him to collect a day or two later, and then never came for them.  Of course, we haven't gathered the items either, but seriously... I packed much of his stuff for him already.  I'm kind of annoyed at being expected to do so, especially since he apparently believes he can just show up whenever he wants to collect it.  He also had my phone shut off (and my sister's) with no warning.  I'm fine with having to get my own account, in fact I'd planned on it, and I was planning on pitching in on the bill until I could do so.  But a few days' notice would have been the respectful thing to do... I rely on my phone for work purposes much of the time; to have to go without phone service has been a minor nightmare.

     But then, the past few months have been full of nothing but childish behavior from him, so I'm not exactly surprised.  I admit that this whole debacle hurts a bit.  To think that someone I spent almost six years of my life with can just turn around and be so callous... well, I only feel more correct in my decision to end things as time passes.  That doesn't mean that I wanted it to end so stupidly.  That was his choice. 

     Earlier this month, Ptah and I celebrated one year together.  Well, we acknowledged it, anyway.  I had to work a long day on the date, and our work schedules have been preventing us from celebrating properly.  So May 10th was Beach Day (Official), and the next day we have off together and can plan a beach adventure will be Beach Day (Observed).  The lack of time and energy to put into our relationship has caused a little unhappiness, but we've talked about it, and we both know that the future will still be there for us.  We'll get that time when we get that time, and there's no reason to suffer in frustration until then. 

     On the 13th, Horus and I celebrated two months of official relationship titles.  I had requested that he find the sappiest way to acknowledge the day that he could, and so we went camping.  At midnight, his watch beeped and he turned to me and said "Happy anniversary."  I was too grumpy (due to other things) to properly state my appreciation at the time, but I was tickled.  In the morning I woke first and got to spend a good chunk of time alone, with nothing to do but stare at the mountains and watch the birds and sit in the morning sun.  It was good... especially after a long work week plus. 

     Then it got hot, and I got grumpy and tired.  So we played at the river, and sent burning moss downstream.  Okay, I suppose one had to be there to fully appreciate it.  But seriously, it was some of the most fun I'd had in a long time. 

     Horus and I are acquiring quite a collection of rocks from our time together.  From the day we met in person, the majority of our time in the outdoors together has resulted in at least a few interesting rocks being picked up and pocketed.  Finding them in various pockets and random places always brings back some pleasant time together.  Each one represents some moment, some milestone.  Because, really, all of the moments spent with anyone we really care about are important. 

     Even the small quiet ones. 

     Even the ones with no words, no apparent significance.  Sometimes, the biggest moments are those which just involve being, and knowing that the person next to us is there because they want to be.

     With Ptah, those moments are what hold us together when there's no time for much else.  Our relationship started with a quiet and deep friendship, and that is still there.  Perhaps it always will be.

     With Horus, those moments are few and far between, but I appreciate them no less.  And the rocks we gather are a visible representation of the important times we've had.  It's still a relatively small collection, but I think it's likely to get much bigger in the future.  I look forward to collecting those moments. 

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Phone Pictures and Reflection Time.

(General life update: Thoth informed Ptah and myself that he could not pay rent because he had been paying the cell phone bill, which he had apparently gotten a few months behind on, without help.  I had to inform him that he hadn't been paying his share of the other household bills, which would have been more than twice as much as my share of the phone bill, so he could either help pay rent, or consider himself no longer living here.  I have no idea what he's been doing with his money, other than eating out constantly and hanging out with his girlfriend, but his poor money management does not mean that he gets to take advantage of us.  For at least the two previous months, he's made more money than Ptah and me combined, and we weren't complaining about the bills until he expected us to carry him completely and pay for his mistakes.  He came, packed a bag, and still hasn't said a word in response.  So soon, if he does not collect his things, I will be packing them up and putting them in the basement, except for the things which might be damaged by being stored there.  I may be angry, but I'm not going to be mean.  I just refuse to be taken for granted anymore.)


It's now May, and the last time I posted phone pictures was around the end of December.  I wanted partly to immortalize some of the better photos I've taken, but also to reflect on some of the good times I've had over the past few months.

We had some really great snow in January, and the cats all found it just fascinating.

Deception Pass in the snow.

The first fire of the year.  Which happened to be the first time Horus came to the house.  We ambled on the beach in town and picked up some rocks, came back to the house and had a fire.  Later, I made curry, tried to explain synesthesia, and tried to figure out my interest level.  We ended up spending a few hours talking outside, because it was nigh impossible to say goodbye.  I figured out later that I was being silly, I was interested, and suggested that we do that "dating" thing that people seem to like to figure out what sort of potential there was between us.

The box contained my leftovers from our first "date."  Which was technically the first date I ever really had.  We had sammiches, played in some parks, and pretty thoroughly connected.  In fact, when I got out of the car in the parking lot, and saw him walking toward me, my autonomic functions missed a beat and I knew I was doomed.  What I did not know was that shortly after I took this picture, a branch from the tree I was pruning would hit me squarely in the forehead and give me my first concussion.

For our second date, we had Indian food in the rain at a place which deserves the name Make-Out Point, if any place ever has.  After being out in the rain for a while, we steamed up the windows in the car, and I came away looking like I had been mauled by a pack of kittens.  Or thoroughly enjoyed some sensation play, whatever.  Horus brought me home, Ptah called me adorable, and I got all sorts of embarrassed.

Ptah and I were running some errands one day, and decided to stop for lunch.  We had completely forgotten that it was Valentine's day, and so we both ended up inadvertently having our first Valentine's Day celebration... together.

Mojito on the beach after a long and muddy day at work.

Rhododendron and bee.  I was never a big fan of the rhodies before I started this job.  But they bloom at different times, some multiple times a year, have green foliage all year long, and require minimal maintenance to look this good.  This particular plant was a treat in the gloom of February.

Ptah bought a car.  If you ever get stuck in the trunk for some reason, there are instructions on how to get out.  I just love the icons.

Ptah has had a few opportunities to work with me this year.  He's been able to see me at some of my best.  I'm good at my work, and I know it.  I'm happy and confident, and I'm glad he's been able to work with me.  He's a quick study, and has been a pleasure to work with.

We had an ice storm one day.  It left a good sized layer of ice chunks all over everything, and looked awesome.  It took hours to fully melt.

There's a local Chinese restaurant which will make pretty much any dish gluten free.  They're a little pricy, so we've only been there a couple of times, but Ptah and I enjoy it quite a bit.

I walked into the basement one day, and almost stepped on this frog.  It kept trying to hop away from me, and was getting wood shavings all over itself, so I picked it up and took it to show to the guys.  Ptah was kind enough to hold it so that I could take pictures.  I then took it to a part of our yard where water collects, and it hopped away.

My hair being dominated.  It's mostly an inside joke between Horus and myself.  In the beginning, I found myself asking him whether I should put my hair up or down, among other things.  And since he likes to brush it (well, and pull on it), I made the comment that he apparently owns my hair.  Some time later, photographic evidence.  Seriously, it's more joke than actual perception of ownership.

...And then we come to my lead.  I made it myself.  Horus gave me the webbing, and some red satin ribbon.  I essentially made fun of the kink community for its attachment to red and black (with the occasional black and purple allowed), and said that I wasn't really into cliche.  So I found this awesome rainbow ribbon I had already, and Horus agreed that it would work.  I made a blindfold as well, but a few mistakes happened which will be remedied in the revised version.  I'm actually rather pleased with the engineering and functionality that went into it, I just should have made a mock-up first.

Ptah and I found these amazing tomatoes at the grocery store.  Yes, we get excited about the small stuff.

I took some pictures of Horus and myself on the beach one day.  He was finding and chopping wood for our firepit, and I liked the way this turned out.

To celebrate one month of official relationship titles, Horus and I went to watch the sunset. 

We found some four-leaf clovers at a job one day.  I picked these two, then my boss found a whole bunch located in one patch.  I suspect that that particular patch of clover carries a genetic mutation or something, as no other patches of clover in the same yard had such a preponderance of four-leaf clovers.

Flowering cherry tree blossoms.  These particular trees do not produce any fruit, but have really beautiful flowers.  I love the spring time.