Saturday, April 28, 2012

Post 42: If Only the Answers Were That Simple.

     Why?

     It's the hardest question to answer, and the one that's on my mind the most lately.
          -Why did Thoth decide to so thoroughly burn the bridge we shared?
          -Why did I accept an unfulfilling relationship for so long?
          -Why do I feel mostly responsible for that duration of unhappiness?
         
     Actually, those are rather easy.  1) Probably because he felt hurt that I broke up with him, couldn't handle his feelings in a constructive way, and didn't really care to put any effort into maintaining any kind of relationship.  That last, after all, is why I gave up in the first place.  2) Simple.  Because I had hope that it would get better.  3) Because I've had a life full of responsibility, and I've known all along that if anything were to change, I would have to be the one to initiate it. 
    
     There are greater, and much more complicated, questions swirling around in my head lately, though.
          -Why am I a poly person?
          -Why do I enjoy the dynamic between Horus and myself?

     Okay, so the general answer to the first question is because I want to be a poly person.  The middle-ground reason is that I find fulfillment in forming and maintaining multiple relationships with the knowledge and consent of all involved parties.  The real, foundational reason I am/feel this way? I don't know.  I honestly have no idea.  I can list all of the benefits and challenges of polyamory I want, and I can expound on the philosophical reasons I have chosen this path to whoever will listen, but as to why, at my core, I am this way?  I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE.  This disconcerts me.  There is no event in my upbringing which led me to "need" this relationship choice, there is no psychological *reason* for me to feel/be this way.  And I don't like that not knowing.  I think it's entirely possible that I was born wired this way (It's a debate even amongst poly people whether that's actually possible.  I see saying that it's not possible as akin to saying that people aren't born homosexual, i.e., ridiculous.), which would still leave the question of why I was born this way, and many other people were not.  Most of the answers I have read postulated by others feel like half-truths at best.

     The last question? I believe that will deserve an entire post unto itself... when I am ready. 

**********

     Most of that was written over a week ago, and I never got around to finishing the post.  It's hardest for me to write when I need it the most.  I was actually going to just post a bunch more phone pictures as a cop-out, but I couldn't throw away the opportunity to make a nerdy reference to my number of posts.  Even though I wasn't a huge fan of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

     I suppose I should give a general update, though. 

     Thoth is still living here, even though he told Ptah about four weeks ago that he would be moving out "in a couple weeks."  I have no idea when he will be leaving, as he is still utterly uncommunicative, and I don't think I can ask without it turning ugly.  The atmosphere in the house is terribly uncomfortable, and I can't wait for him to move out.  I still think it will be good for him, and that is still important to me, but my anger at the whole "lying to make things easier on himself with no regard to anyone else" thing is still in existence, and likely will be for some time.  I also have some sadness at this stupid end to a relationship that lasted almost six years.  I've been trying not to dwell on it, and not to bring that negative energy to the guys who still act like they care about me. 

     Apparently it hasn't been working, a fact which was brought up by Horus a few days ago.  And so I started feeling bad about that, in addition to facing some of my feelings with the Thoth situation.  Yay for a minor depression? Right...

     We had our first SCA event of the season last weekend, which was also a source of much sadness.  I got to see one of my favorite people, which is always good, but for the most part I saw from afar many people who used to be my friends.  None of whom have ever bothered to ask me for my side of the reasons they think they can't be my friends anymore.  I also had a major headache for the majority of the event, so it really wasn't any fun at all.

     Work has been very busy lately, which is good because I'll be able to stash away some money, but bad because my relationships are suffering due to my lack of available time and energy.  The more time I spend in two relationships which are actually fulfilling, and involve time and energy investment, the more sure I am that I couldn't handle more than two and still give my relationships the care and attention they deserve.  Last night, I sacrificed sleep in the name of quality time to spend the night with Horus... it meant getting up an hour earlier than usual to get to work on time, but the net result was definitely worth it.  It's good to know that I have that option if work and living circumstances don't allow for any other way to really reconnect.  And other than my lack of time and energy, both of my relationships are continuing to go very well for all involved. 

     It's good to be loved.  And not good to be unloved.  Maybe that's all the answer I should really need.

    

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