Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Post 39: The One in Which I Impart My (Neurotic) Hingely Wisdom.

     The highly technical term for my part in my relationships is "hinge."  Meaning, obviously, the flexible part which connects two other parts that are not otherwise joined together.  In this particular case, "hub" might be more accurate, but might bring up the image of "hubby," which is a common vernacular for "husband."  Some use "pivot" as well, but that word connotes to me "the point on which everything turns," which I do not wish to be for anyone but myself.  The "hinge" is the point which usually connects two "legs" of a "V" (or, "vee" as I believe I will use), although in my case, it might be more metaphorically fitting to call these relationships a "Y" with me at the point of intersection. 
 
     That's really up for more debate than usual, though, as the romantic portion of my relationship with Thoth is no longer active.  That said, there are many who believe (myself included) that relationships are defined by the people in them, and no one else.  And, since I consider Thoth to still be my partner in many ways, that relationship counts as well.  Some people will use other letters and shapes to give an idea of their relationship structures: an "N" or "Z" to denote a four-person unit in which two of the people share more than one connection and the other two do not.  A "triad" to denote an equilateral relationship between three people; then there are also terms like "emotional triad," which describes a relationship between three people in which they all share affection and care, but (likely only) one of the relationships does not involve romance or physical intimacy.

     These terms and structures can get massively complicated, depending on how the person defining them sees fit to define them.  Some people include close friendships, others only direct romantic involvement.  Some include their metamours in their personal relationship structure, others do not.  In my particular case, though, things are pretty simple since, at this point, no one I'm involved with is involved with anyone else... Yes, that is a change from recent posts.  That is not my story to tell.  How I feel about being a "hinge" in a "Y" is, though.

     In short, it is amazing and awesome and work and responsibility.

     Being who I am, I see my position as one of massive responsibility.  The job I've chosen is one which involves making sure that multiple people feel connected to me, do not feel any loss of time or affection in a negative way, feel secure in their position and relationship with me, and do not feel as though they are only getting "part" of a relationship.  I remain acutely aware that they have no one else to provide those things for them, while I am fortunate enough to have the opportunity to meet my needs with each of them.  I have (by my own reckoning) to be the best communicator, the most secure, the most thankful, the happiest, the least needful... Yes, it is kind of ridiculous, but those are what I consider my hingely duties.

     Sometimes, I push aside my own needs and wants for reassurance and security because I feel that it isn't fair, being in the position I'm in and needing those things.  I'm the one who gets all of the benefits of the multiple relationships, right?

     Well, yes and no.  To be honest, my favorite moments in this adventure are the ones in which my partners express positive feelings toward each other.  They might not be connected if it wasn't for me, but they do share something special just by virtue of this life we've all chosen.  My partners are fantastic enough to recognize that I have these responsibilities and this work, and though I have *chosen* to take them so seriously, that is a part of what makes me who I am.  And who I am is why they choose to be with me.  They know that I don't just get a bunch of fun parts (though there are many fun parts), and they are able to appreciate that the others provide things which bring me happiness, and if I'm happy, they are able to see that as a good thing.

     My relationship preferences (the lack of rules, the lack of control, and many of the philosophies I've chosen) have sort of by accident decided their relationship preferences.  They do not expect to control my relationships, they know that I will honor my relationships (and that if I do not, they need to bring it up with me), and they recognize that they are not sharing me, but that I am choosing to share myself with them.  They do not expect me to come up with rigid schedules, or spend time with them if I don't want to (though that isn't really an issue).  They consent to my ideas of how to handle new physical relationships, my ideas of honesty and disclosure, and seem to agree on most concepts I've brought forth.  In general, I see it as my duty as a hinge to be *more* permissive with my partners than they are with me, but in reality if I were any more permissive (and honestly, if they were any more permissive with themselves), we would be getting into risky territory, and no one wants that.

     One of the ways I consider myself extremely fortunate is that no one in our current situation seems to have any conflicting ideas or philosophies on how relationships should be conducted.  That makes things at least a billion times easier for all of us.  Some of the stuff Horus and I went through, though *we* were both confident in our ability to handle and negotiate things, gave me a clearer appreciation for the easy meshing of relationship styles that has been happening in my world.  Which also brings me to the idea that one of my duties is to make sure any future relationships mesh well with the ones already in place.  I already had a vague idea that this would be important, but that has also been proven to me more thoroughly as of late.  Even if my partners get along, any discomfort or chaos in one of their lives definitely affects the other(s), because of the fact that it affects me.  Ptah handled the chaos that I inadvertently brought him well, but I am still uncomfortable with the fact that I brought it to him.  Because another thing that I see as my responsibility is the idea that I should give peace and comfort to my partners as much as possible, and uncertainty and insecurity as little as possible.

     Some of the barriers involving expression and interaction between Horus and myself have been crossed lately, and that has all been going amazingly well.  In fact, so well that I have expressed the feeling that I keep expecting something disastrous to happen between us... and while some things have not gone as well for him as one might have hoped, all of the stuff between us is just awesome.  And though I have some guilt for that (because guilt is my thing, you know), much of that is gone when I express that awesomeness to Ptah and he is genuinely happy for us.  Not just for me, but also for Horus, and for our relationship.

     So while I see being a hinge as a huge job, and not always one I'm up to, the people I've chosen to have in my life give me much peace and happiness.  They make it easy to be in my position. 

     I know you guys will read this... so thank you. 

2 comments:

  1. Now I'll have the strong urge to oil you up if you ever squeak... ;)

    I am happy that (almost) everyone else has been fairly comfortable/happy with things. :)

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  2. I find a lot of happy in all the good things you get out of this blogging. The insight I get to your understanding of your place in life, is a help to my own understanding. As well as the warm feeling of getting to know you better by reading your posts.

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