Sunday, February 19, 2012

Well, now what?

     I think I'll just start with the meat course.

     I broke up with Thoth.  This has, in reality, been a long time coming.  We've had stressful periods where I wanted to leave several times over the past three years, but I always felt stuck.  Stuck because I felt responsible for him, stuck because I didn't want "other people" to be able to blame our split on polyamory, and stuck because we are financially intertwined.  None of those are good reasons to continue a relationship, but I always fell back into our old patterns because I didn't know what else to do.  A few months ago, Thoth and I went through one of these periods, which resulted in my telling him in no uncertain terms that the status quo in our relationship was not okay with me, and if there wasn't a drastic change in the way he related to me, I wouldn't be able to continue our relationship.  I've done all the work I can, but it takes two people to create, maintain, and fix a relationship. 

     Nothing has changed since then.  Well, maybe I did a little.  My relationship with Ptah has let me know that I do indeed need a real connection from my partners.  I found out that I am much happier when I feel emotionally connected, can communicate, and can express myself freely.  I found that I love the give-and-take that we have, and our relationship has let me know that much of the work on personal growth that I've done has had a clear benefit... which I was never sure about when it was just me and Thoth.  I knew that I now required these things in my relationships, and I saw myself as having a way out of my entanglement with Thoth, but I was so afraid of "doing poly wrong" that I continued to struggle with him.

     Don't get me wrong, Thoth was exactly who I needed in my life when we met.  The autonomy our relationship gave me was what enabled me to do all of this work on myself.  If he hadn't been okay with exploring polyamory, I might not be where I am now.  I would probably be less happy with myself if I hadn't met him.  But I've outgrown this relationship.  I still care about him very much, and I hope that he can move on and learn to take care of himself, to forge his own path in life, and grow and become a better person.  I hope that he can find better things to bring into his future relationships.  There's even a possibility that we may be able to spend time together as a couple in the future, but only time will tell that.

     More recently, my interaction with Horus has shone a light in all of the dark corners of my relationship with Thoth.  The fact that someone I've known such a short time has no problem expressing joy in spending time with me, putting effort into communication, and emotional connection has had a clear effect.  But mostly, I sat on the couch and watched someone else feel sad for me while I talked about my relationship with Thoth.  This wouldn't be the first time that's happened, not even close.  But this was one too many times, apparently, and I've been talking a lot lately about following happiness over fears.

     *facepalm* Yeah, how about walking that walk, eh?

     In the end, I know this is going to be the best thing for me, and for Thoth.  It will be good for Ptah, too, as he won't have to watch my unhappiness with the situation any longer.  I honestly could not continue faking a relationship with Thoth anymore, and still respect myself.  Seriously, I feel better about things, and everyone else seems to, as well.  Having a definite decision made feels better than always waiting for that proverbial shoe to drop.

     I wish I could say that it ends there, that hard decisions have been made, and the right thing has been done, and everyone will be able to move on with their lives in a happier and healthier manner.  But, alas, there is more.

     Horus's girlfriend is using this moving on, this doing the right thing, as a reason why he shouldn't date me.  This is a shame for a few reasons.  One, she clearly doesn't trust him to make his own decisions.  Two, a situation in which there was definite unhappiness and stasis based on fear would have been a much worse environment to come into.  Three, we met just yesterday and had a fine time.  I have a feeling that this break-up is no more than a convenient excuse; much of what I've seen so far points in this direction, and there is a clear lack of balance between how "poly" each of them is "allowed" to be.

     I tried really hard to extend the benefit of the doubt, but when every time the old reason to say no is dispelled, a new one crops up... it's not just coincidence.  Earlier today, before the law was laid down, I expressed to Horus that I didn't ever think there would be a "right time" for us, because there would always be something.  Some problem that needed to be taken care of before he would be free to follow his own path.  I wish I had been wrong, I really do.

     It's really hard for me to accept the idea of "I can't let you do this, because I don't think it's right for you" in general.  The possession and adversarial nature this is imparting into our interactions isn't where a healthy relationship lies; down that road leads eventual resentment.  I don't think there should be any putting Horus in the middle, and I don't see why she and I should be opposite sides of anything.  Shouldn't the fact that we both care about a person mean that we should both have that person's happiness in mind? Why should the main focus be on "sides," when all that does is put Horus in a difficult place? If she has a problem with how I'm choosing to live my life, why couldn't she just bring that to me? Ask for further information or clarification; give me the opportunity to assure her that no, really, this was the healthiest thing to do.

     I *hate* the fact that Horus is in this position.  I just want him to be able to be happy, and able to express the poly nature he was probably born with, the way I've been able to do the same.  I would like to be a part of that, but if he decides I can't be, I can accept that.  It will hurt, but it's his decision to make.  If, on the other hand, we get *told* that it's not okay to pursue anything, that's a different story altogether.

     So now, I have instability with Horus, which wouldn't be there if I wasn't being accused of being unstable for doing the right thing.  I have to figure out how to disentangle a household and a bank account, and a shared life with Thoth... but that's going to be the easy part.  The hard part, making sure that my life is up to my standards, is all on me, and no one else is going to make me feel guilty for that.

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