Friday, February 24, 2012

Interlude: Flirting Theory

     Today, I had an interesting conversation.  With myself.  You know, internally.

Wait, am I flirting with that guy?
No, probably not... I don't think I even know how to flirt.
But, then again, there was sustained eye contact, and we smiled at each other. 
Also, there was talk about gas-powered equipment.
And, he fixed my favorite weedeater.  We all know how much I like mechanical ability.
Yeah, but was that flirting?
Well, how the hell else would I flirt? It's not like I touch strangers, or show off my cleavage when I'm in my work clothes.
Work clothes are not attractive.
Some people might find it attractive that I like gas-powered equipment and wear workboots.
No, who am I kidding, no one would find that or me attractive.
Really, Self? When there's so much evidence to the contrary?
But those people are crazy.
No, they're not! I like those people, and shouldn't call them crazy... even though they are.
It's not like it's even an issue, I don't have time or emotional space for that kind of thing right now.
Especially when I'm a hideous sea creature.
Damnit, Self! Quit being stupid.
Besides, the question posed was not whether he was flirting, but whether I was.
And flirting doesn't mean much of anything... allegedly. 
How would I know? I don't know how to flirt.
Maybe talking about this kind of stuff is flirting for me, especially coupled with eye contact and smiling.
Those are some incredibly blue eyes.  Do people really have eyes that blue?
Do people who are essentially strangers normally maintain this kind of eye contact? I don't recall...
But there is the fact that even people walking down the street will make eye contact with me while I'm driving.
Even when I'm wearing my sunglasses/safety glasses.
This guy also prefers the safety glasses I like.
That's because they're functional and awesome.  It's always attractive when people value function over appearance.
...Maybe it's the energy I'm putting off? Am I putting off energy?
Or am I reacting to energy he's putting off?
Wait, could this be one of those "two reflectors confusing the hell out of things" situations?
Would it really matter who was putting off what energy?
Probably not, it's not like he'd ever be interested in me.
Argh, why am I still thinking about this?  IT DOESN'T MATTER.
Yeah, but I still want to know whether I'm flirting or not.

***

     I honestly don't get the concept of "normal" flirting.  It's kind of... coy? Deceptive? But also playful... which I'm good with.  I really don't know if I ever flirt.  I don't even like the word, and the more I think and type it, the funnier is sounds.  Flirt flirt flirty flirt flirt.  See? Sounds ridiculous now.

     Anyway, I've never really had trouble with that whole "making attraction known" thing  But there have also been points where people have assumed I'm interested because I'm being playful and shameless and doing things like making eye contact and smiling.  The particular person that I'm not sure I was flirting with, I do find mildly attractive, just by virtue of his mechanical ability.  I never noticed before whether there was sustained eye contact or not, so I'm not sure whether there was more than normal, or if it was nothing more than my own perception of the moment that had shifted.  But I could have sworn that there was more-than-usual amusement at the mention that I might need mechanical rescuing while the boss is gone.

     I really don't know.  And it doesn't really matter.  But I am curious if I've ever really flirted according to anyone's definition.  I'm pretty sure that sustained eye contact is a part of it, but there are actually other people in the world who are generally comfortable with that, not just with forming "official" connections.  Next time I'm around him, I'll just have to be conscious of the interaction, so I can take notes about myself.

     I really am such a robot sometimes.

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