Saturday, October 15, 2011

Post 22: the one in which I raise my eyebrow at modern entertainment:

     So now that they've made a movie about Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, and apparently the tiny bit of sense that the movie industry still made to me is gone, I figure that Hollywood will probably continue the trend of making movies from games we played as kids. Here I will throw out some ideas for all of the movie producers reading my blog. Don't worry guys, I totally won't sue when these get made.

     First up is Connect Four: That obviously has to be an *ahem* adult movie. Enough said.

     Hungry Hungry Hippos
: So a biology student has a summer job working at a zoo which (for reasons never explained) has a lab run by Student's immediate superior. One day, Student has a mishap in which he (it has to be a he, because it's a clumsy mistake, and the only females allowed to be clumsy in movies like this are the kind who are dumb as a rock and yet somehow attract all of the men.) accidentally mixes two compounds which should NEVER BE MIXED and knocks them into the bucket he's carrying. Which is holding hippo food, of course. A series of near-disasters happen, which lead the viewer to be "surprised" when Student makes it out of the hippo area alive. But the transformation doesn't happen until later, when Boss guy goes into the hippo pens, gets eaten, and the hippos escape... AND THEY'RE HUNGRY. So hungry hippos rampage the city, eating many, many people, until Student somehow becomes a mega-genius and fixes everything. And manages to score a really dumb but super hot girl.

     Candy Land
: Lord Licorice is the local drug kingpin in this gritty drug drama full of skinny, greasy people in their late teens and early twenties. Princess Lolly is a trust-fund girl who is somehow making it through college while trying to consume all of the hard drugs on campus, Queen Frostine is a middle-aged part-time real estate agent who finds escape from her life of frustration and feeling her age in the cocaine she dabbled with in her youth. Plumpy has tried pretty much everything he can think of to lose weight... he eats well and is active, but he's still a "big boy" who gets teased mercilessly at school and resorts to trying methamphetamines. He loses weight, but also his wonderful personality. All of these sad lives have one thing in common: the influence of Lord Licorice, who gets his in the end... but there's always something else to get people down, and someone else so sell them an escape. A story with no happy ending, it leaves the viewer with a feeling of futility and the need to take a shower. (The Wikipedia article actually makes reference to a Candy Land movie being made. Yes, seriously.)

     Snakes and Ladders
: (I played this version more than Chutes and Ladders, and Snakes is more ripe for a story. Chutes and Ladders would probably have to be about the early years of the Mario Brothers.) This is essentially a sequel to Snakes on a Plane. This time, a city floods. People are forced to the rooftops, which are of course reached in most part by ladders. The waters finally recede, and the are OMG SNAKES!!! on all of the ladders, preventing people from getting down. They're hungry! They need potable water! Some lady is about to give birth! And they're all stuck on these roofs because of the snakes! The whole movie is basically a reason to have Samuel L. Jackson shout "We need to get these motherfuckin' snakes off of these motherfuckin' ladders!"

     Mouse Trap
: This would be a horror movie, in which the evil murderer thinks up ever more creative and complicated ways to kill people. Including convincing the cops that the murderer is someone else and that that particular victim is about to kill someone, thereby forcing the cops to kill that victim. Not terribly innovative or original, but the movie will pretend that it is.

     Clue
is already a movie. Battleship and Risk are obviously war movies; the former at sea, the latter on land. Monopoly is obviously a commentary on corporate greed, possibly even an unbalanced "documentary." I'm sure I could do this with many other movies, but these are what came to mind over one short work day, and I think it's enough for now. Go, Hollywood, go.

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